My mom was a real trooper. She dealt with life’s issues with very little fanfare and no whining. My dad died when she was 65 and she lived to be 94 so she had a long time to live alone. She remained in the 3-story house she and my dad had lived in and loved until she was 79. I am sure I did not appreciate enough how she simply made the decision that the house was too much for her and looked for and found a very nice continuing care community. She decided what she wanted to move to her new 2-bedroom home, what she wanted to sell in an estate sale, what she wanted to ship to me and took care of it all herself. She lived there happily until she was 91.
One night at 91 she fell in the bathroom. She did not want to cause a problem so did not pull the available cord. A wonderful woman who came in for several hours a day found her in the morning. No bones were broken but my mom was so frightened by the experience that she could not allow herself to try walking again.
My mom had been living in the independent section of the continuing care community. It also had an assisted living section and a skilled nursing home section. Assisted living homes at that time required new residents to be ambulatory and my mom was unable to even try to walk again. This resulted in her placement in the skilled nursing section. This was really her only option, but I don’t think she ever adjusted to it. I lived in California and my mom never wanted to leave Virginia where my dad was buried. Fortunately I worked at Prudential at the time with the most vacation I ever had and was able to fly back every 6 weeks for about 4 days.
I, like many of my friends, experienced real guilt because I realized that she was not happy. After my retirement at 64 I went to our Conejo Senior Volunteer Program office to find a place to volunteer. One nonprofit they highlighted for me was the Long Term Care Ombudsman Program of Ventura County. I knew nothing about this program but realized immediately how much easier life would have been for my mom and me had I known about a program like this when she was in the SNF and I was across the country. The Ombudsmen go through a full week of training and are required to have 15 hours of training with experienced Ombudsmen before they begin and are required to add Continuing Education Units every year. Even with all the training I was certainly nervous when I started to visit my facilities. I started with ten small board and care homes and one large assisted living facility.
I believe I have received much more benefit from being an Ombudsman than I have ever provided to the residents I have gotten to know for the past 12 years. I was “only” 65 when I started and took for granted that I was living in the home I loved with my husband of 40+ years. New residents at my homes would talk with me about how difficult it had been to downsize and get rid of personal items that may have been gifts from family members who had passed away. They talked about all the life events they had experienced in their homes and the memories their homes held for them. I was always moved by the emotion these discussions brought to the surface for them but did not recognize at the time that it would certainly be possible for me to be in the same position in the future.
Tom and I bought our home in 1988. It was our third home but by far our favorite. It is kind of a weird house with lots of floor to ceiling windows that made you feel like you are living in a tree house. It is on 7/10 acre with many trees and California landscaping. My son was already in college when we moved in. He graduated from college and law school, got married and had three of our five wonderful grandchildren while Tom and I lived in this house. Our daughter started at UCLA the year we moved in. She graduated from UCLA and from UCLA Law School, got married and had the other two of our wonderful grandchildren. Tom and I both worked in the area and spent lots of time working on the house and in our yard.
We experienced some difficult periods here also. Tom spent 4 months in hospitals in New York and at UCLA making a miraculous recovery from bacterial meningitis. After spending 5 weeks in New York with Tom before moving him to UCLA, I can still remember the wonderful feeling of coming back to my home in the middle of the night after a medical jet flight. I will never forget the day I drove Tom home after his final stay at UCLA Rehabilitation and saw him sit in “his” chair for the first time in 4 months. Tom came home to face a long rehab involving relearning to walk and to do many things he had not done during the hospital stay. It was a very challenging time but this home and yard were very positive factors in his recovery.
Both kids, our dogs and I were here with Tom the evening he passed away. Losing a loved one is the saddest event in any family’s life but I was very glad we were all in the home Tom loved so much. After Tom’s death my home became the place where I felt secure and safe. It was 3 years before I took a trip out of the country because I just wanted to be close to our home.
I am not sure I ever appreciated my home as much as I have since the pandemic struck our country in March 2020. I moved all of my office things into my dining area in order to do all my computer work there. It has also become my exercise room, my painting studio and yoga studio for all the Zoom fitness classes available. The saving graces during COVID-19 have been my 2 funny little dogs and working in my yard. I have made new succulent gardens, new rock gardens and last but not least my new fern garden.
My plan at this time (at this age I certainly know how quickly plans can change) is to remain in my home for as long as I safely can. One of the biggest lessons I have learned from working with our senior community for the past 12 years is the importance of how the decision is made if the time comes when you may no longer be able to manage living alone in your home. I have a number of friends who have made the decision to move into a congregate living situation and have seen many residents in my Ombudsman role who have also made that decision themselves. By far the vast majority of them have made positive adjustments to their new homes and many have wondered why they waited so long. On the other hand those who felt they were forced to leave their homes for a variety of reasons most often struggle with their adjustments and some are never able to take advantage of the good things that can be enjoyed in congregate living situations.
I really love my home and all the memories I have made here and know it will be very difficult if I have to leave it. I certainly don’t think everyone has to have a written plan for all the things that may occur in the future. However, being aware of what senior living possibilities are available in your community including congregate sites and in-home care and what your options are in terms of finances and locations can go a long way toward assuring that you are in charge when any decisions need to be made. It can be helpful to discuss your thoughts about future living arrangements with your family or other trusted people in your life because occasionally decisions about housing and care have to be made quickly and unexpectedly.
I hope I can stay here happily and safely for many years. If for any reason that is no longer feasible, I definitely want to be in charge of decisions about my living arrangements or know that I have discussed them with trusted family or friends. Knowledge is truly power here.
Nancy, this is so touching. Thank you for sharing Tom’s experience and how much you shared together. You have certainly thrived, and more important, have through your grace, experience, training and compassion helped so many others. As I explore my life and home from a different perspective since I met my “superchallenge”, you and the CVV have restored so much of my self . I am intrigued by your fern and succulent gardens (pix?), your art, you and your energy. Your enthousiasm is so inspiring. Live, Laugh, Love. Dena
Dear Nancy,
Thank you so much for sharing such a beautiful and personal story. I too am appreciating my home like I never did before, due to the pandemic. A friend of mine, whom you know, recently moved to University Village at age 74. She is thrilled she made that decision while she is in such good shape. Her decision however, shocked me into the reality of my own aging process and mortality, since she is close in age and in fantastic physical shape.
Thanks for the good advice on this subject as time is racing on. Your friend, Susan
Thanks for such a thoughtful post Nancy. I especially appreciated your suggestion to become aware of the more supportive living options that exist in my community. Just visiting and talking to some of these ‘home alternatives’ would make it a lot easier to consider a change if… or when.. that becomes necessary.. or even preferable.
Good morning Nancy – what a wonderful article, and I definitely understand it, as having been an Ombudsman for 12 years – I feel it absolutely applies to me. My husband has been gone for 28 years, and I never liked living alone – about six months ago, I realized I needed help, so my granddaughter and her lovely, nine year old daughter moved in with me – it has been a great help for me – however, I must admit we have our moments, especially on those nights when her boyfriend sleeps over – he is very kind and respectyful of me, and has three grown daughters – however, with my German upbringing, hard to get used to. So, I do realize that not everything is perfect – however, happy I made the change. Thank you for a wonderful and constructive article. Your friend, Ursula
Thank you for you wonderful post. I worked as a social worker in a skilled nursing facility and was very grateful to with with the ombudsman, who can make such a difference for the residents….. Especially those who have no families. I also think about aggregate living…I currently live alone…. I’m 67 and I’m watching how quickly time passes. It’s interesting, isn’t it, trying to figure out plans for one’s own aging and eventual death? Yet it can also bring such gifts of awareness and deep appreciation. Thank you again for your wonderful story. I wish you well….I wish us all well!