I have teenage grandkids. They range in age from 16 to 19. They have all been through the pandemic years and emerged relatively unscathed, but sometimes I wonder how their lives have changed from my very ancient teenage years. Am I hopelessly outdated about issues they are facing?
I have been thinking a lot about what our grandkids are facing in this brave new world of changing social norms. Will our grandkids struggle with pressure to drink or take drugs to get along? What about “mean girls” in high school or cliques or popular boys vs. nerds? Is it ok to be a nerd now? How do teenage kids deal with fitting in vs. being different? How well is the current culture handling stereotypes about girls and boys? What about the obsession among some teenagers with getting “likes” on Instagram? Is using Instagram bad for their mental health?
A recent study on the impact of Covid-19 on adolescents found that loneliness and isolation are significant as a result of the pandemic. There are suicidal thoughts and actions, depression, and a sense of isolation that we have not seen in prior generations. Teenagers thrive on social interaction, and Tiktok and texts do not replace in-person conversation or even conflict. We have not begun to understand what it was like for a teenager in the past few years during and after the pandemic. My own grandkids seem to have survived the worst of it through sports and online gaming with friends, but the world changed in early 2020, and we won’t know the impact for many years to come.
If you have a good relationship with your grandkids, it makes a lot of sense to figure out how to keep in touch with them — now more than ever. We have discovered that email doesn’t work all that well, because they don’t use it much. Instagram and texts seem to be the way they use to communicate with their friends and occasionally their grandparents! But what do you say to them on social media? I try very hard not to send them more than an occasional message, because who wants their grandma texting them all the time, right?! But after a game or sports event that I watched on one of the GameChanger or FLOsports apps, I try to send a message of support. Infrequently, I send them an article I have read that may interest them. The most amazing thing to me is that they usually respond to my texts. So far, they don’t seem to feel burdened to answer me. They are incredibly sweet about it. Still, I barely know OMG or LOL or LMAO, much less all the other terms they use. I don’t really understand TikTok and its allure, and i find it hard to figure out how to take a photo that would be interesting enough to post on Instagram!
The need for intergenerational connection and communication is more important now than ever. In the “olden days,” perhaps we had a grandparent to whom we could talk in person, even more frankly than to our own parents. Does that still apply? And if it doesn’t, how can we as grandparents make a conversation relevant? I don’t think we need to know all their social media terminology. What we need to do is listen. Listening has always been the most important connector between generations. If I listen to my grandkids, I will find out what bothers them, what is important to them. Telling stories about my own youth is not necessary or even helpful. Times have changed so much that my early experiences are likely irrelevant. Even trickier is to try to give them advice. Listening without judgment is hard to do, but it is imperative that we try to do it.
I guess the main thing is that when I listen, I learn. And maybe they will learn too. To get an idea of how a good relationship can be sustained between generations, check out the video clip of my grandson Eli, age 13, talking to Norman Lear, age 99, about their friendship. https://vimeo.com/657481769 (This interview was conducted for a workshop at Stanford University about aging issues.) I could not be more proud of Eli, and I am so pleased that he still enjoys conversing with us. We do listen, and we sure do learn!