The other day I saw a woman who lives in my retirement community with the most beautiful necklace and earrings on. I casually mentioned it to her, and her eyes lit up with pride. It struck me that the simple act of noticing someone or something about them is a powerful act of kindness we often overlook. It doesn’t take a lot of time to compliment someone for something they did or even how they look. It means that the we have “noticed” the person and we value them for who they are.
Perhaps the most powerful story of how it feels NOT to be noticed is the story released in her book Know My Name, by Chanel Miller. She was the victim of a sexual attack on Stanford University’s campus and for years lived in anonymity until she decided she needed to tell her story and be “seen” by the world for who she really is. In her recent interviews and the book, she speaks movingly about her feelings of invisibility and worthlessness before and during the trial. When she finally told “her” story, it went viral with over 11 million views worldwide. She has made the importance of being noticed and seen a profound statement of the need for all of us to acknowledge and see each other. In small ways and large ways.
What is “noticing” all about? A strict dictionary definition is simply to pay attention to or perceive. But there is more to noticing than just looking around. It means connecting yourself to the world around you with more intensity. You can walk down a path and never “notice” that there are flowers today where yesterday there were only buds. Or you can pass someone in a hall and “notice” that they seem sad or distracted. Putting your hand on theirs and asking “Are you doing ok?” might be met with a brush off, or it might spark an honest exchange. “I’m feeling really sad because my closest friend just died.” or “I forgot to pay my credit card bill and now I am being charged interest!”
Since that one simple exchange with the woman in my community, I have been trying to “notice” someone different every day. My efforts are small and might seem irrelevant, yet I believe they are fundamental to seeing each other and treating each other kindly. Our noticing might be as small and simple as a hello and a smile to someone we don’t know. Stopping to talk to an older man who has macular degeneration and is often by himself because he can’t really see faces well anymore. Even thanking a customer service agent on the phone who was actually helpful.
One of the first stages of examining how you notice is to evaluate what you actually notice. Noticing external features is the easiest and most common form of noticing. Someone may have had their hair cut recently, be wearing a beautiful jacket, have a nice piece of jewelry on or be wearing an attractive piece of clothing. Those are superficial acts of noticing but not inconsequential.
The most important aspect of noticing someone else ought to be going below the surface of externals and working to notice aspects of another person that are not easily visible. One of my friends here at our retirement community was someone I first noticed looking sad with his head in his hands. I was standing nearby waiting for my take out order. I took a chance of talking to him. I sort of blurted out, “You look a little dejected. Everything ok?” It turned out he is very involved in politics and was particularly devastated that day by something the President had done or said! It offered me a chance to interact with him and have a spirited conversation about the state of our politics! Had i not “noticed” him, I would never have known him.
So to our readers… let us know how you “notice” others in your world. What works? What doesn’t? What makes others feel good, what makes you feel good?