When I was in elementary school, my best friend was Eileen. She was all the things I was not. She was petite, cute and wealthy. None of these terms would have ever been applied to me, but it did not matter. We were friends through thick and thin and always had each other’s back when disagreements with others arose. When I got into high school and college, I seemed to gravitate more to groups of people who played the same sports, took the same classes, or were just fun to be with. This has remained my way of meeting friends to this day.
I am blessed to have two wonderful adult children and five even more wonderful grandchildren. My family like most families today have full lives and jobs and do not necessarily share all my interests in learning mahjong, taking line dancing ,and going to happy hours with my friends. When we were conducting senior focus groups prior to starting Conejo Valley Village, I was surprised that the biggest problem mentioned by most of our senior participants was lack of social contact and lack of feeling that they were part of a community. For these seniors still living in their own homes, this was more important than transportation, health or financial issues.
One participant who lived alone recounted that her only friend had been an email friend. They emailed every morning and evening to let each other know they were okay. The loss of this friend left her feeling that there was absolutely no one with whom she could share daily life.
Janet Kodish in the Unretired Life says that the biggest worry most people have as they age is a fear of loneliness and isolation. One third of people over 75 live alone and almost half of women over 75 live alone. Social isolation often leads to depression and even to death in extreme cases. Seniors should not accept that this is an unavoidable part of aging. It is not. We make choices everyday whether to get out and do something or stay home.
After my husband died, a friend told me that there was one magic word to help me through the grieving process. Of course I wanted to know this magic word and was a little disappointed when it was simply YES. She said people will be asking you to go to things with them and your best answer (in most cases) is Yes. If the day of the movie or dinner came and I really wanted to stay home by myself, I almost always made myself go. It was amazing how much better I felt after pushing myself to get out and be around other people.
The National Institute of Aging in a 2017 study asked which 90 year old woman would be happier: the one who moved across the country to be near her daughter but has developed few if any new friendships or the one who socializes frequently with a large circle of friends and sees family mostly on holidays. Their research indicated that the senior with the active social life would be more likely to feel happy and to enjoy their daily lives. It is assumed that strong family relationships are the most important things as we age, but their study indicated that community and friendship are even more important as we grow older.
The study designed by Michigan State psychology professor William J Chopik surveyed 270,000 volunteers from 15 to 99. They found that after age 65, valuing friendship highly became more important than it had been in younger ages. It also reported that strong family ties were still important, but that their importance did not increase as the people aged. So seniors who do not have large families do not need to worry that they will have to grow old alone and lonely if they have developed a network of friends and people with whom to share their lives.
There are many ways seniors can make and maintain friendships and become part of a larger community: joining activities at your local senior center, becoming active in your church or temple, learning and playing games like mahjong or bridge, joining groups with similar interests like reading or painting Seniors can take advantage of our technology to keep in touch with social media. Many seniors I know keep in touch with friends and family with Skype, Facebook, email and texting.
Last Thursday afternoon I was tired from a busy day and thought nothing would be better than staying home and watching the baseball game. Our wonderful Conejo Valley Village was having one of our monthly Happy Hour get togethers at a local Mexican restaurant. My choice to go to the Happy Hour provided me with the perfect finish for this post. There were 25-30 seniors there enjoying each other’s company, talking comfortably like with friends you have had for years, and enjoying good Mexican food. Very few of these people knew each other prior to joining our local Village, but one woman said it was like going into Cheers from the old tv show – a place where everyone knows your name.
I know I went home (and still saw the end of the baseball game) feeling happy and glad I had such a great community of friends. I would bet that almost everyone who attended went home with the same positive feelings.
It takes effort, time and generosity to make and keep friends and to be an active participant in a community group, but the value to a senior’s life is incalculable. Our senior years can be a wonderful time and will truly be enhanced when we share them with others.
The Importance of Friends as You Age, Bonnie Vengrow for Aetna
The Secret to Making Friends as You Age, Unretired Life, Janice Kodish
To Age Well You Need Friends, Psychology Today, Temma Ehrenfeld
Social Seniors: The Importance of Friendship, Metropolitan Health Services