Perspectives on Aging by Steve Hansen

I was rather taken aback when I was invited to be a guest contributor to the ‘We are Proud Aging Women’ blog by my good friend, Nancy Healey. I felt like saying, “No, I can’t do it! I’m not a good writer. I’m not even the right sex!” But I know that wouldn’t satisfy Nancy. So here I am —

I could easily call this article ‘A Man’s Perspective on Aging’ since its themes run contrary to some of the current perspectives on aging which are arguably ‘female centric,’ inasmuch as they focus mainly on the ‘human connection.’ While men are often viewed to be insensitive to, or in denial of, social problems affecting them in old age, women tend to believe that active engagement and socialization with others is the key to successful aging, and that isolation and loneliness in old age contribute to health problems and early mortality. Their view further postulates that forging new connections with people in the community enables seniors to remain independent and lead happy and vibrant lives for as long as possible. In fact, these tenets are the very foundation of our local senior self help group called ‘Conejo Valley Village’ where my wife and I currently volunteer our time.

However, and despite my best intentions to remain positive and open minded in my discourse with others, I somehow end up being the contrarian. Contrarian ideas seem to stick to me like fly paper in a Charlie Chaplin movie. So please bear with me while I discuss a wonderful, yet contrarian, essay by Bertrand Russell called ‘How to Grow Old’ which speaks volumes about my own particular contrarian’s approach to aging but which Russell obviously intended to apply to persons of all genders and backgrounds, not just men. In his brief essay from 1953, Russell outlines several key principles of how to age happily and successfully. Each supportive argument below is prefaced by a Bertrand quote .

‘I think that a successful old age is easiest for those who have strong impersonal interests involving appropriate activities It is in this sphere that long experience is very fruitful and it is in this sphere that the wisdom born of experience can be exercised without being oppressive.’  

Yes, that reads correctly – impersonal interests are paramount to Russell as well as myself. One thing that definitely keeps me going in old age is having enjoyable hobbies and work related activities that do not involve other people, but things that I can still do and enjoy despite the physical ravages of infirmity and old age. Fortunately, and unlike my mother who died of Alzheimer’s dementia at 84, my brain still (more or less) works at 78. Even though my vision is slowly going to hell due to AMD I can still read and study engineering, physics, neurology, psychology, cosmology, medicine, economics, finance, history and whatever else I can find on the Internet that happens to interest me. I can still work productively doing taxes, managing investments and fixing computers. I am a long time chess player and play chess on the Internet, daily, usually against an ’engine’ not a human player. Nowadays, chess engines are vastly more skilled than even the world’s best human players and so finding a worthy opponent is no problem at all!. Even though my AMD vision problems preclude access to ‘human’ chess clubs (which generally meet at night some considerable freeway distance away), I am still able to enjoy the game and hone my skills just as I always did before. And finally – Although I love my family, love people and love to be around them, if I was holed up on a desert island with only an Internet connection and an Amazon Prime membership, it wouldn’t necessarily be the end of the world for me!

‘Psychologically there are two dangers to be guarded against in old age. One of these is undue absorption in the past. It does not do to live in memories, in regret for the good old days, or in sadness about friends who are dead.’ 

Russell speaks well to this idea. Many seniors I know seem immersed in their past, seemingly guided by old memories and old traditions at the expense of learning new skills and new ways of doing things which might benefit them in old age. For me it is very important to have an open mind and confidence in my ability to explore and learn new things and acquire new skills, even when I may be unable to fully master them. In my experience people who are stuck in the past are the most unhappy, the least interesting and the least likely to be able to successfully transition themselves into infirmity and old age. To an engineer like myself and certainly to Russell, who was a Nobel laureate mathematician, the arrow of time only goes in one direction, forward. The past is ‘baked in.’ Of course recalling joyful events can be very pleasurable and uplifting, but it seems to me that past recollections are principally there to enable the individual to avoid making the same mistake twice.

‘The other thing to be avoided is clinging to youth in the hope of sucking vigour from its vitality. ‘

Many people we know seem to be ‘overly’ involved with and embedded into their children’s and grandchildren’s lives in a way that that is arguably not healthy for either themselves or their children or grandchildren. For me, not necessarily for my dear wife Karen, who may hold a  somewhat contrarian view, I think it is best to maintain an optimal ‘distance’ (meaning both physically and emotionally) from my children and grandchildren. I don’t ever want to become so close to my children that I become a burden to them. Russell points out that in the animal kingdom, offspring are nurtured and looked after by their parents until they become self sufficient at which point the parents become indifferent to them. .It is easy to argue that most young people would probably prefer to live with their own immediate family and look after their children in their own way without ‘interference’ from grandparents. It seems questionable to me whether my children would actually prefer to have me, a dependent parent, living under their roof  so they could look after and care for me at the same time they are caring for their own children. Of course, our  kids would probably want to personally look after and care for Karen and or me in time of need the same way Karen and I did for my own mother back in the 1990’s. The question becomes whether they would be doing this because they actually wanted to or because it was simply an unavoidable familial obligation. For me, (but not my wife certainly) I would probably prefer being simply put on a raft towards the Arctic.

Do not fear death!

This year we received several Christmas cards including one from a long term friend since elementary school. My friend went on to describe his recent experience skydiving over the Grand Canyon, something he said he had always wanted to do. When I read that, the first term that came to mind was ‘bucket list.’ For me a bucket list speaks to ‘unfulfilled dreams,’ the notion  that happiness must be deferred until the items on the list are checked off. For me and I’m sure to Russell, there are no unfulfilled dreams. I have already done, dreamed or imagined doing pretty much everything that I think is worth doing. Even if I could actually look out and see the Grand Canyon while free-falling from space, I have no desire to do so. If I did, I would have already skydived the Grand Canyon long ago. My life is already complete just the way it is now– no bucket list necessary.

Finally, Russell speaks to the fear of death and explains why this idea has no meaning to him and should not to anyone. So I will conclude my article with the last most famous Russell quote

‘The best way to overcome it [fear of death] -so at least it seems to me- is to make your interests gradually wider and more impersonal, until bit by bit the walls of the ego recede, and your life becomes increasingly merged in the universal life. An individual human existence should be like a river: small at first, narrowly contained within its banks, and rushing passionately past rocks and oer waterfalls. Gradually the river grows wider, the banks recede, the waters flow more quietly, and in the end, without any visible break, they become merged in the sea, and painlessly lose their individual being. The man who, in old age, can see his life in this way, will not suffer from the fear of death, since the things he cares for will continue. And if, with the decay of vitality, weariness increases, the thought of rest will not be unwelcome. I should wish to die while still at work, knowing that others will carry on what I can no longer do and content in the thought that what was possible has been done.’ 

Source: Portraits from Memory and Other Essays by Bertrand Russell