KIndness in a challenging time

I have always been grateful that I live in a town where I see way more instances of kindness and patience than instances of rudeness and impatience. This may be why I was so taken back last week while I was waiting in line at a local store.

The blue lines were carefully marked where everyone should be standing to maintain required social distancing. I was third in line with an older woman (70’s – my age) in front of me and a middle-aged woman in front of her. The women in front of me had sort of drifted off to the side so she was no longer maintaining the perfect distance between her and the people in front and back of her. The woman in front of her turned quickly and in a very loud and annoyed tone said, “The blue lines are here so you can know where to stand, so why don’t you do what you should do and stand on your line? Can’t you see them?” Everyone in the line looked embarrassed for the older woman and exchanged glances. I did not know whether to feel better or worse when the younger woman later said in a loud irritated voice, “Mom, now you should be moving and you are just standing there delaying everyone. Move.” The older woman did not appear to be hard of hearing or visually impaired, so the loud annoyed tone and voice were no doubt entirely unnecessary. The mom complied quietly and I believe everyone in the line experienced it as unpleasantly as I did.

There is pretty general agreement that 2020 has been a difficult year filled with loss, illness, anger, isolation and impatience with those who have opinions that differ from our own.  I generally am not bothered by others who have beliefs or express thoughts contrary to mine; however, this year has been difficult and it has been way too easy to find myself showing annoyance even with friends who have different opinions.

“How to Connect with Kindness” is an article by Dan Gordon in the September 2020 UCLA Magazine which I have read many times on those days I felt I had overreacted to a small meaningless statement made with no ill intent.   Mr. Gordon  provides some suggestions from a summary of UCLA Anthropology Professor Daniel M T Fessler’s findings  at the UCLA Bedari Kindness Institute on the importance of kindness especially in times like these.  They have been so helpful for me, and maybe they will also be for you if you find yourself challenged by people or situations in your life now.

• • Kindness is contagious – Dr. Fessler says, “We have good reason to believe not just that kindness is contagious in the moment but that repeated experiences of kindness or unkindness shape people’s expectations, and those expectations in turn shape their behaviors.”
  • Acknowledge strangers – Spreading kindness begins with every encounter we have with people we don’t know. He says research shows that positive small talk interactions enhance the feelings of well being for both people.
  • Make a connection – During this time he suggests that reaching out to family, friends, neighbors and especially to  isolated seniors by phone, text or Zoom are among the kindest acts you can do.
  • Watch your media consumption – Constant negative exposure from media sources can change how we view others. He suggests that “choosing to surround ourselves with kind people will likely increase our own kindness quotient.”
  • Play to your strengths – We can analyze our own special talents, skill sets and interests and find creative ways that we can share these with others.
  • Start small – We don’t need to do momentous acts to make a difference; we can start small. Fessler believes that the satisfaction we gain from even the smallest gestures will encourage us to increase our altruistic actions in the future.
  • It’s the thought that counts – He says we are very attuned to meanings behind others’ actions. If we see someone who appears to be genuinely motivated simply to help others, we admire them and will be motivated to be kind also.

UCLA established the Bedari Kindness Institute last fall to better understand kindness through evolutionary, biological, psychological, economic, cultural and sociological perspectives.  A major aim of the Institute is to promote kindness, defined as actions to benefit others with no anticipated benefit to ourselves.

Years ago a friend gave me a framed anonymous quote on kindness that I have always treasured.   “Kindness makes you the most beautiful person in the world no matter what you look like.”    I believe this applies equally  to the person who performs the kindness and to the one who receives it.  My goal is to remember this in good times and especially in more difficult times.

Accepting others’ beliefs and acting with kindness have never been a big issue for me, but this year has been very challenging.  Sometimes we come across an article or a book just at the right time to provide us with information that reminds us of the important things in life.  Dan Gordon’s article did this for me and I hope you will also find this summary beneficial.