While we love sharing humorous cartoons with you all, it would seem out of place to ignore the events unfolding this week. It would also seem out of place not to admit anxiety about what the events of January 6 might mean for ongoing unrest. Will the Inauguration be peaceful? How will it feel to see barricades and police everywhere? What if anything can this new President do to calm our fears and soothe the anger that all sides feel? We all hope the anger and conflict will diminish over time, but who knows?
Unfortunately, we are not likely to get along for quite awhile. Those who believed the election was stolen from their candidate will continue to seethe with resentment and some will continue to act out violently. Those who were excited about the possibility of a new beginning with real solutions to our problems will be angry and disappointed at the disruption and the disrupters. Neither side seems ready for a kumbaya moment, despite well meaning efforts to force us together.
So now what? My own feeling is that reconciliation cannot be forced without going through at least four stages:
- Realization – An awareness that there is a grievance. An acknowledgment that there is a problem.
- Identification – Empathizing and understanding the aggrieved.
- Preparation – What are you prepared to do to reconcile? …
- Activation – The action(s) that are necessary for change.
We are clearly in that first stage. If you are angry, you most likely feel you have good reasons to feel that way. Telling people they have to get along when they don’t feel like it, is not going to solve the very real differences between the 70+ million who voted for our prior President and the 80+ million who did not. It is one thing to have different views about tax cuts or foreign affairs and disagree with those who do not. It is quite another to believe that an election was stolen when the facts do not support that and to threaten our officials with violence and murder because of your views. Those differences are hard to resolve. Can we empathize with those who condone violence? No. But what about those who enable it by not condemning it? That’s a harder lift.
Wallowing in anger and resentment is also not going to work. As we all remember from prior elections, there is only so much wallowing you can do without exhausting yourself and ultimately damaging your own mental health. At some point, we are going to have to prepare ourselves to live alongside each other in some semblance of peace, if not harmony. What type of empathy and preparation will that take?
In two days, President-Elect Joe Biden will be our 46th President and Kamala Harris will be our first female Vice-President. Whether or not you voted for them, they will be the lawfully elected President and Vice-President of the (not quite yet United) States of America. Do we share any goals that this new Presidency might help us achieve? I can think of two. It’s hard to imagine we don’t all want this pandemic to end. And we can all agree that the vaccine needs to be distributed faster and to more people. And what about the loss of jobs that has so devastated our families and friends? We probably can all agree that both the private sector and government need to do whatever possible to get our economy back on track. Those are goals we can share even if we don’t exactly agree on the way to achieve them.
As for activation — after a lot of thought, I have come to the conclusion that my own journey to reconciliation is to go micro and let others deal with the macro. I can’t stop the anger over the election. But I can do some small things. I have a t-shirt that shows raised hands with the slogan “Be Kind.” When I wear it, people sometimes ask me what it means. I tell them it means I have a voice and can speak out — but while I do it, I am also obligated to share some small kindness that probably doesn’t mean much in the larger scheme of things. For me, though, it might be enough. I admit it won’t be easy, but I say “go micro and be kind.” Not a bad next step to take.
Please share your solutions as well!
After the inspiring Inauguration day, I feel a lot more hopeful that we can move ahead with more agreement. If Biden can really speed up the vaccination process and get some money to working people and small businesses, it will go a long way to bringing people together.
Thanks Linda. Important article. I think your 4 stages are spot on. And I agree with Sharon that listening can be the best thing we can do — to folks who agree with our point of view and those who don’t. Everyone wants to be heard. And many feel they are not. For some it’s amazing how a person can calm down if they feel they don’t have to shout and threaten to be heard.
We are all hoping for a safe and secure day tomorrow. Let it be so.
Thank you Linda, now I feel better. Have a great day – try to stay out ofthe wind. I still hope to meet you some day. Regards, Ursula
I think the one way to start the process towards common ground is to listen more than talk. No one can listen if they do not feel heard. Someone has to go first. Why not us? Listen not just to words, but the underlying feelings. One heard, there is a better chance for a genuine exchange. But don’t forget to ask unloaded questions–make sure they know you have listened by paraphrasing what they are telling you. Be truly curious. We can learn too.
This is an important insight. Listening is key. However, to be practical and realistic, how do you keep on listening if the other point of view will not respond in kind? It’s good it is MLK Day because he was such a good example of non violence even though it cost him his life. We all could use a little more courage and patience for sure!
Hello – I do not quite understand – are you telling me I am not being kind? I just want everybody to get along, I think that is definitely kind. Ursula
Oh my no, Ursula! Your comment was perfect. Gordon’s was not related to what you said! Kindness is so important now. We all agree!!
Kindness is related to love and Linda’s article isn’t pointing fingers, it’s relating facts which are sometimes difficult to digest, especially when those facts don’t agree with your thinking. Let’s all try to relate to kindness and demonstrate ways to make our lives more tolerable to others. We’ve never all agreed on political issues and we’ve found ways to debate those issues without violence and radical demonstrations that injure and sometimes kill others. Thank you Linda for laying out the situation without insisting on your way or the highway.
What a wonderful article – I sit here many times and wonder what happened to the U.S,? after living in Germany, and literally buying my father out of Concentration Camp, it is unbelievable for me at times to think of what is going on. A Presidential Inauguration with fences and Armed Guards? When we came to this country, everybody had to have a sponsor – it took my parents 12 years to find their friends from Germany who were willing to sponsor us, and let me tell you, the day I became an American Citizen is still one of the proudest days of my life. People need to get together and enjoy living here, and getting along with others, no matter what religion, or color they are. Thanks for listening, and please keep writing. Many thanks, Ursula
Lovely post. I’ve been saying, as of late, that kindness is the most underrated super power of them all. It can open doors.. and hearts.