Communication skills I learned the hard way

I retired at 64 after working for 45 years in large corporations or organizations and started volunteering as a Long Term Care Ombudsman 5 months later.  The first issue that came up for me to deal with was when a new resident in a large assisted living facility refused to eat her meals in the dining room with the other residents.  Her family and representatives of the facility had begged and pleaded for a month to no avail.  They had been delivering meals to her room during that time but this is an additional cost, and she was not meeting any of the other residents.  Everyone, except the resident, agreed that this was not a long term solution so the Executive Director asked if I would talk with her.

Effective communication skills were required in every job I had so I figured it would  be a cinch to show this resident how much better it would be when she started having meals in the dining room. I was also a senior. I had been told that her husband of 50+ years had died recently and her adult children had not feet she could manage alone in the home she had shared with him for more than 30 years.  My initial goal was not to talk about how this made her feel but to convince her that she would love sharing meals with others, would make new friends and would even enjoy the food more.  I used the communication skills that had worked so well in the corporate world to accomplish my goal quickly and move on to another issue.  Needless to say, she became defensive about what she wanted, and I had not helped her at all.

I felt terrible and spent the night going over all the things I had done wrong.  The next morning I called and asked if I could visit her again.  She kindly said yes.  This time I started by acknowledging that she had experienced a lot of change in a short time and asked her to tell me about it.  She said she had lost the love of her life and the only house they ever owned together.  She felt that she had lost her autonomy when her family thought they were helping her but failed to really listen to her concerns and pushed ahead with the move.  Her daughter had started “helping” with her bill paying; this made her feel that she was no longer trusted to handle her own finances.  She had moved away from her old neighborhood and friends.  She and her husband had always eaten their meals together in front of their television and this was the one thing she was going to hold on.

She said she was very glad that I had come back because she had been especially disappointed when another senior woman did not seem to want to listen but just to move her along the path everyone but she wanted.  I have been an Ombudsman now for almost 15 years, but this experience had to be one of my best learning experiences ever.  Even though I was also a senior, it was a new volunteer job for me and I treated it like getting a work project completed quickly and successfully to satisfy the most people possible.

Since then I have reviewed many articles and studies on effective communication with seniors like me (see below for examples).  How to Say It to Seniors by David Solie became my bible when I could not figure out how to handle a difficult communication issue.  I am going to list some of the best suggestions I have found through the years:

– Be patient.  We are not moving as fast as you may be.

– Ask questions.  Don’t assume you know what is best for me.

– Don’t start arguments.  Different generations may not see politics, social issues, lifestyle choices like you do.  Accept differences of opinions.

– Don’t correct a misstatement I may have made, especially in a group, unless it is very important.

– Don’t condescend.  Speaking clearly and maybe more slowly is good; speaking like you are talking to a child is definitely not.

– Avoid statements like “you should” or “you have to,” which make us feel like we are being bossed around.  We treasure our autonomy and independence as we age.

– Don’t give advice unless it’s asked for.  Parents have advised their children for their whole lives so hearing advice from an adult child may not go over so well.

– Actually listen to what we say.

– Try to consider what it is like to be old.  Seniors experience many losses along the way which affect how we deal with issues.

– Pick your battles.  Prioritize the most important issues but don’t try to find solutions, no matter how well meaning, to everything you think would make our live safer and better.

-Reduce distractions.  If you need to have a serious communication, it is far better to do it in person in a positive environment.

-Use humor whenever possible.  Seniors are less likely to enjoy aggressive humor that mocks others, but we don’t get too old to laugh.

The number of Americans ages 65 and older is projected to nearly double from 52 million in 2018 to 95 million by 2060.  Seniors’ total share of the population will rise from 16 percent to 23 percent in this time period.  Taking time to develop good communication skills with our older population and recognizing the value we bring to the country is not simply a kind thing to do; these skills will play an increasing role in successful business, political and social relationships in the future.

Here are some additional resources you can check out.  Tell us about your experience with communication — good and bad!

How to Say It To Seniors, Closing the Communication Ga; with Our Elders, David Solie, MS PA, Prentice Hall Press, September 2004

https://www.agingcare.com,>Relationships>Articles>10-Tips-for-Communicating-with-a-Senior

https://bluemoonseniorcounseling.com>7-Tips-Improving-Communication-with-Senior-Citizens

https://medpro.com>effective-communication>10-Strategies-for-Communicating-Effectively-with-Senior-Care

https://www.psychologytoday.com>how-to-communicate-effectively-with-older-adults

https://www.prb.org.resources>fact-sheet-aging-in-the-united-states