Loneliness can be a slippery slope for seniors, beginning with isolation and ending with serious health problems and even death. The American Psychological Association says that while loneliness is not a medical or psychological diagnosis, it is associated with behavioral health, physical maladies, and increased suicide rates. While experts agree that this is a serious problem facing all Americans, it can be especially devastating for our senior population. Is there anything that can be done to lessen or eliminate isolation and resulting loneliness in our older citizens?
An article by Linda P Fried, MD, MPH, Dean of Columbia University Mailman School of Public Health, states that the growing problem of loneliness in older people is a product of our social environment, and solutions to ameliorate the condition are available by reimagining our built environment, transportation, and technology to connect people, and developing institutions to foster social capital and engagement within and across generations for the greater good.
Dr. Fried believes improved physical transportation and technological approaches can bring people together and foster engagement in society, regardless of functional abilities. She says age-friendly cities should be designed with attention to factors such as safe and walkable sidewalks and crossings, and proximity to basic amenities like grocery stores, pharmacies, public parks and bathrooms. Programs to support multigenerational housing can foster connection and cohesion and enable older adults to be located in the action rather than in the margins.
Numerous models already exist to foster social connections, such as programs pairing homebound seniors and lonely older adults with volunteers for scheduled check-in calls. Local senior centers are available in many communities. They provide opportunities for learning about new subjects, having shared physical activity, eating a meal with others, developing new skills, joining a book club and simply being around other people.
About 10 years ago I was serving on our City’s Council on Aging, a group appointed to advise our City Council on matters pertaining to seniors. We put on a televised program about the Village to Village Network and received an overwhelmingly positive response to the possibility of having one here. We ran three focus groups to determine the interest level and the reasons people would be interested in having a Village. I was positive that the main reason would be volunteer help with driving or minor help around the home. By far the biggest concern about living alone was neither of these, but simply the fact that many of the seniors simply were alone most of the time. One woman said that if she did not go out to the local mall she could go for weeks without seeing anyone. I was 10 years younger then and found this hard to believe until we heard similar things from our group over and over again.
Conejo Valley Village was formed shortly afterwards. It is a nonprofit organization and part of the nationwide Village to Village Network. CVV provides services and programs to keep members active, connected to their community, and safely independent in their homes. Our senior community has definitely benefited from the services available through CVV, but I believe the friendships and sense of belonging has been equally important. The Village to Village Network’s website has a list of Villages across the country.
My intention in emailing other seniors about what they do to combat loneliness was simply to summarize their answers and make a list. I now also want to quote just a few of the ones that would work for me. The following were noted: Calling, texting or visiting with a friend; planning each day to include something to look forward to or place to go; doing something creative or purposeful like organizing your closet; working in your garden or with inside plants; walking or sitting outside in your yard or a pretty park; exercising and walking outside or at the gym; going to your local community or senior center for games and classes; joining a volunteer group; visiting a friend or neighbor in the hospital or a care facility; meditating in a peaceful place; playing games like bridge and mahjong online; join zoom classes/programs on Senior Planet; joining Conejo Valley Village; visiting your church or temple; walking on the beach; spending time with your pets; doing brain challenging exercises and games online; getting some healthful rest by taking a little afternoon snooze; learning and enjoying fellowship at a bible study class; listening to music; and keeping a datebook.
The first two responses I received were from friends saying that gratefully they had never been lonely. One said he is always on the move with more things to get done that he ever could. The other, a writer, said that, in general, writers are content with lots of alone time at the computer and there are frequently not enough hours in the day to write everything she wants. I believe I fall into this group. I never lived alone until Tom passed away almost 6 years ago. Now I try to have something that I really enjoy (gardening, painting, blogging, practicing my harmonica, reading, doing yoga or exercising online) planned for times when I will be at home alone. Volunteering and spending time at our Goebel Adult Community Center are very important in my schedule.
I wanted to quote the most moving response I received from an old friend.
“My husband of 40+ years left me when I was 66 because he had just realized that I did not really know or understand him. He felt fortunate that he had found someone who really knew and understood him and could make him happy for the rest of his life. To put it mildly, I was totally devastated, and my loneliness was overwhelming. I had recently retired, and our kids had moved out on their own. My entire married life had been focused on him and on raising our kids with little energy spent on thinking about what I wanted or liked to do. I had very few interests of my own and all my friends were our friends. Anger finally took over and I remembered the strong words of Scarlett O’Hara when she was dealing with a difficult situation, ‘As God as my witness, I will never be hungry again.’ I simply replaced hungry with lonely and started my campaign to become involved with people and activities just for me. It was sometimes difficult to put myself out there and go to new places alone and start new things but I kept at it. Now at 76 I have a wonderful independent life and enjoy painting, line dancing, table tennis and have a wonderful new group of friends.”
I watched this friend change from a bitter lonely woman to a person who enjoys her life every day and is probably only rarely lonely. It can be challenging, but each of us can find things that interest us. These things don’t have to be important, exciting or meaningful to anyone but us; they only need to give us a reason to look forward to at least one thing we have planned for the next day.
I knew when my husband passed away that I was facing a new challenge beyond my grief. Certainly joining a grief group was helpful. But how not to sink into loneliness? I had to be the one to reach out and make new friends and that included joining groups. I got too busy too fast and after a year my deeper grief needed my attention. However, to my surprise, I had moved forward. I had lots of support from friends , old and new. I could be single, older, live alone, and not be lonely. Life is good.