I am grateful that I live in a place where I see more instances of kindness and patience than instances of rudeness and impatience. This may be why I was so surprised at the response I received a few months ago while I was discussing ways in which my retirement community could give back to Altadena, our town devastated by the Eaton Fire.
The buildings in which I live were literally untouched by the Eaton Fire. It raged around us, burning down homes and businesses randomly, but left the flowers in front and the cushions on our balconies. We were evacuated early the morning of January 7, 2025, in a mad rush to get all nearly 200 residents out of the buildings and to a safer place. We all spent ten weeks in various hotels or homes of friends or family. The stress of the displacement took its toll on our aging population, with more than the usual number of deaths over the months since the fire broke out. In addition to death, the trauma of getting out and not being in a familiar place for so long, also took its toll on our collective mental health. We have all noted some memory loss, increased anxiety, and short fuses when we returned.
There is pretty general agreement that 2025 has been a difficult year, already filled with loss, illness, anger, isolation and impatience with those around us. In the past I had not been so bothered by others who were unkind or even rude. However, this year I have found myself feeling annoyed even with friends who mean well. When some of my fellow residents recently expressed opposition to sharing our facilities with organizations in the community whose buildings had burned down, I was surprised and upset. Why could we not find a way to reach out to these folks with generosity and kindness? Why the fear and opposition about letting “strangers” into our spaces? During this discussion I did not feel kind towards my fellow residents, because I did not understand their anxiety and negativity.
“High Anxiety” was an article by Dan Gordon in the September 2022 UCLA Magazine which I had read many times on days I felt I had overreacted to a small meaningless statement made with no ill intent. Mr. Gordon provides some suggestions from a summary of UCLA Anthropology Professor Daniel M T Fessler’s findings at the UCLA Bedari Kindness Institute on the importance of kindness especially in times like these. They have been so helpful for me, and maybe they will also be for you if you find yourself challenged by people or situations in your life now.
Kindness is contagious – Dr. Fessler says, “We have good reason to believe not just that kindness is contagious in the moment but that repeated experiences of kindnes sor unkindness shape people’s expectations, and those expectations in turn shape their behaviors.”
Acknowledge strangers – Spreading kindness begins with every encounter we have with people we don’t know. He says research shows that positive small talk interactions enhance the feelings of well being for both people.
Make a connection – During this time he suggests that reaching out to family,friends, neighbors and especially to isolated seniors by phone, text or Zoom are among the kindest acts you can do.
Watch your media consumption – Constant negative exposure from media sources can change how we view others, especially now when our government seems to be attacking “others,” and making us fear the strangers in our community. Fessler suggests that “choosing to surround ourselves with kind people will likely increase our own kindness quotient.”
Play to your strengths – We can analyze our own special talents, skill sets and interests and find creative ways that we can share these with others.
Start small – We don’t need to do momentous acts to make a difference; we can start small. Fessler believes that the satisfaction we gain from even the smallest gestures will encourage us to increase our altruistic actions in the future.
It’s the thought that counts – He says we are very attuned to meanings behind others’ actions. If we see someone who appears to be genuinely motivated simply to help others, we tend to admire them and hopefully will be motivated to be kind also.
UCLA established the Bedari Kindness Institute a few years ago to better understand kindness through evolutionary, biological, psychological, economic, cultural and sociological perspectives. A major aim of the Institute is to promote kindness, defined as actions to benefit others with no anticipated benefit to ourselves.
Hearing of others’ beliefs that somehow kindness could put us at risk or be a disadvantage, came as a blow and caused me to step back and think a lot more about what kindness really means. Is it wrong to want to share our good fortune with those who lost so much? Am I being naive to think that a simple act of kindness like that could be a danger? Would strangers coming to our space pose a threat? Could they wander about and walk into private apartments and steal things? I have concluded that yes, that could happen. But I have also concluded that finding ways to share what we have without exposing ourselves to these threats is not only a good thing to do. It is a necessary thing to do.
Kindness is no longer an abstract to me. It came to my door and I have had to decide to open that door or keep it shut. I think we can be both kind and safe.