Anniversaries and memories

Today, June 16th, would have been our 64th wedding anniversary. I say “would have been” because this will be the first wedding anniversary date without my partner Gary.  Don’t worry, I won’t get maudlin about it, but it is challenging to go through memories and anniversaries for the first time without a parent, child, partner or friend.  They say the first year is the hardest.

By the time the anniversary of my husband’s death comes around in July, I will have gone through Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, birthdays, and many SF Giants, SF 49er and Golden State Warrior games on my own. Cheering on your own is not the same as cheering with a partner.

Sue Ryder writes about grief and memories on the anniversary of a death. She suggests many practical ways to honor the loved one like cooking their favorite meal, playing their favorite music, or visiting a place you both enjoyed. Remembering a marriage is likely to bring up memories that are positive and others not so positive.  No relationship goes without arguments, anger, and a myriad of disappointments. If you can’t remember anything bad about your marriage, you are probably losing your memory!

Although it may be tempting to want to forget the bad times, it may not be that healthy or helpful. We all have to forgive ourselves for the moments when we lost our temper or said something we wished we had not. We wouldn’t be human if it all had been perfect. ChatGPT or AI may be perfect (actually they’re not), but we humans are definitely not.

So on this anniversary day, I am going to forgive myself heartily for not being all that I wish I had been as a marriage partner. And I am going to remember the good times — the first moment I set eyes on handsome Gary Bergthold in the music class at UCLA. I will remember his sense of humor, his support of me and my dreams of getting a Ph.D., his contributions to our family food and fun with the pig roast and the pizza parties, and his incredibly brave farewell to life. It was a good ALMOST 64 years!

5 thoughts on “Anniversaries and memories”

  2. Thank you, Linda, for sharing your grief. I will soon experience the 3rd year of being alone on our anniversary. The first year was the most difficult and the second was a little less painful. This year I realize that our 8/6 anniversary and future ones will always be bittersweet.

  3. Thanks Linda for sharing these memories. Yes, it would have be 64 years! Good to remember the good times. I sure remember Gary picking corn in the garden, riding his tractor, and grilling sausage. He was such a great hugger!

  4. Thank you, Linda for sharing that thoughtful piece! Our thoughts and prayers are with you as you experience this first and worst year!

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