A simple thank you

This post is from Nancy Healey:

For the past six months, which seems like forever, I have been getting ready for my knee replacement surgery.  It was scheduled for January 14; however, COVID came along and my surgery was simply one of many things that were postponed.  Lots of people shared with me how much more painful the knee procedure was going to be than my hip replacement had been ten years ago.  One even told me it was much worse than having a baby and I would not even get to come home with the beautiful baby.     I whined about what seemed to be an inordinate amount  of pre-op appointments, tests and x-rays and having  to leave my comfortable home and my best furry friends behind.  As I limped along ,  struggled to get up from a seated position and tried to find that perfect position to minimize the pain, I found my anxiety level increasing rapidly and my  feelings of goodwill and happiness decreasing just as quickly.

April 15 dawned bright and beautiful as it usually does in Southern California.  The big day that I had  both dreaded and looked forward to was finally  here.  How could such a pretty spring day be so scary?  My daughter and I arrived at UCLA’s orthopedic center in Santa Monica about 8:30 for our 9:45 am check in.    It took only minutes to see others including young children checking in with medical issues that made my knee surgery seem not nearly so daunting.  My surgery was my choice with an anticipated positive result and certainly considered routine.  I feel sure this was not the case for some of those checking in for what could be far more complicated procedures without my high likelihood of a positive outcome.  About then I stopped feeling sad that I “had” to have surgery and started to see how fortunate I was to be in one of our country’s best hospitals to get a procedure that would improve my quality of life for the future.

Our next stop was the large area where everyone waits before moving into the operating room.  Up until that moment I had figured if I really wanted to call it off I could simply leave the hospital.  I looked down and realized that I had on only a very short hospital gown and bright purple hospital socks that did not go at all with the gown.  People in Southern California have always dressed casually and this has gotten more so with COVID but I could not see myself running out onto busy 16^th Street in Santa Monica dressed like this, so the surgery was going to happen.  In my only other surgery, anesthesia had been administered once I arrived in the operating room, but this time the spinal block was started in the pre-op area while I sat on the edge of the bed joking with and holding hands with the OR nurse.  There is no memory of a scary ride on a gurney to the OR – just the memory of an enjoyable conversation with a caring person.

My first memory after surgery was waking up in my room with little or no pain but a strong desire to use the restroom and to get my evening glass of wine because it was after my usual wine time of 5:00 pm. Then it hit me that neither of those simple things would be possible for me unless I asked for and got help from someone else.  Asking for and accepting help from others has never been easy for me. Independence is a very valued quality in our country, and I, like many women, may have become independent to a degree that is no longer beneficial.   A hospital stay really lets us know that sometimes we simply can’t do it all ourselves.

Working as a volunteer Ombudsman for the past 13 years has made me painfully aware that responses to call buttons may not always be timely.  However each time I rang for help no matter what time of day or night, my call was answered promptly and assistance was provided.  It is hard to overestimate the importance of knowing that there will be someone there when you simply cannot do it yourself.

I had originally entertained the idea that I could just go back home and take care of everything by myself because after all I had worked all my life toward being independent; however, it finally dawned on me that this would be really dumb.  So what do aspiring super women do when we can no longer do it all?  If we are fortunate enough to have friends and family who really want to help us like I was, we are among the luckiest people on earth.  I went directly from the hospital to my daughter’s home last Saturday night.  Not only did I get to spend time with family and watch our Dodgers, the care has been so excellent that I have said many times it felt like I was at the Four Seasons.  Next week I will return home and again am blessed that friends and volunteers with Conejo Valley Village are waiting to provide transportation and help with other activities.

The purpose of this post is simply to say thanks to all the people including the wonderful nurses,  doctors and UCLA hospital staff  and my  family and friends who continue to show their concern and support.  I have learned the best answer to an offer of help is a simple thank you, rather than my old standby response of “no thanks I can take care of it myself.”  I hope this is my last joint replacement surgery, but if I need another one I also know that with the help and support of others in my life I could do it again.

I felt like everything was ok with my knee but it was covered by a large bandage so I could not be really sure until today’s post op.    Someone I know well is continuing to deal with knee and leg issues resulting from a partial knee replacement more than 3 years ago.  The woman sitting next to me in the waiting room today was back for the third time related to lack of healing from her recent knee surgery.   I think I had started holding my breath when the nurse began to remove the bandage.  What a great sense of relief when I saw her smile and heard her say it looks great.

The purpose of this post is simply to say thank you  to all the people who worked on my knee surgery, including the wonderful nurses,  doctors, UCLA hospital staff  and my  family and friends who continue to show their concern and support.  Wednesday I will return home and again will be blessed that friends and volunteers from Conejo Valley Village will be there to provide transportation and help with other activities.

In addition to getting a brand new knee, I learned two valuable lessons from this experience.  The first is that asking for help when you need is not a sign of weakness but actually a sign of strength.  The weakness in asking for help is when you cannot let yourself reach out to another person and let them know you could use their assistance.  Most of the time rather than being a burden or bother to others when you ask for their help you are giving them an opportunity to showcase their own gifts and feel validated you trusted them to ask.

The other lesson was not to let negative ideas keep me from doing something that I really need to do.  There has been and will no doubt continue to be pain in adjusting to my knee but there was also severe pain for the past 3-6 months which would have only continued to worsen.  Now as the physical therapist said I am on the road to a fully functioning unpainful knee for the first time in many years and I can’t wait for that first hike on one of our lovely shaded, creek-side trails this spring!

So what happens when we can no longer do it all ourselves?  If we are fortunate enough to have friends and family who really want to help us, we are among the luckiest people on earth.  We may have to learn to say yes and thank you when sincere offers of assistance are made; this can be difficult for those of us who pride ourselves on being able to do it all.  It is often easier just to fall back on the usual “thanks but I can take care of it myself” response to kind offers of assistance.