We welcome back to our site, guest author Jo Saia, who publishes at https://josaia.com .Jo has written for us before and we welcome this post about humor and ageism.
Jo writes:
I’ve been thinking lately about things we get used to and accept without thinking or because we don’t want to appear too sensitive.
First of all, I am often told that I am very sensitive. My reply, at least internally, is to say thank you so much. Although it may not have been intended as a compliment, to me it very much is. I am grateful for my sensitivity. It helps me to listen better, to understand better, to try and tread more lightly in the territory of others’ feelings and experiences.
My sensitive nature is a gift, I believe. It made me a better social worker when I was still working. It makes me a better friend, partner, human being.
If I am not sensitive to things that may hurt, which at times may be unintentional (but not always), then I will not hear another’s pain and experience. I will not, indeed, be able to hear my own inner voice and experiences.
So, thank you if you think I am sensitive. Truly. It is my intention. I want to be sensitive to hear who you are and what is going on with you. And I would love to get the same from you.
So, as I continue to think about this, I think about comments that I have sometimes had some kind of inner reaction to, but not seriously paid attention to. Until now. Comments such as, “You look good for your age.” So, I look pretty awful for another age? I only look good to you because you expect me to look differently due to my age?
Please understand, I really don’t judge others when they say this, as I think it is with good intentions and a wish to express a positive thing to me. I appreciate that, I really do. But, it is a conditional compliment. Why not the comment, ”You look good”? Or even, “You look particularly nice today”?
I had a dear friend once say to me (and I believe that he meant it with love), “You are an aging Italian beauty.” Hmmmm. I have no illusions about my age and that it shows, and that I certainly look different than I did in my youth, of course. But, I wonder, what is the purpose of needing to remind me of my process of aging? Why the condition before or attached to the compliment? Do you think that I am unaware of my age and need to be reminded? I find it so very interesting.
We can slip and do this even to it to ourselves. I participated in a group not too long ago (aimed at improving intergenerational communication) and one older participant referred to herself as “older that dirt.” I laughed and followed along, calling myself the same when it came my turn. It was not until another participant objected to this that I became aware of how easily I slipped into this pattern.
I also have a reaction to someone saying something that could be seen as hostile, and then negating my experience of it by saying, “I am just kidding. Can’t you take a joke?” And of course, it is often seen as a fault if you cannot take a joke. I disagree with this. No, I would like to say (and intend to more and more), I cannot and do not wish to “take a joke” at my expense.
My father, wise man that he was, said, “There are no jokes. Pay attention to what people say and what their intention may be.” Indeed. What is the need to tease, with hostility? What would be the purpose of that kind of “teasing”? What does that do to our relationship? For me, it can reduce the trust and willingness to open up more sensitive areas of myself, for fear that they may then become the subject of jokes. No, thank you.
As I continue on this aging journey, I become more aware of sensitivities (and am so grateful for that), both in myself and others. Isn’t that what helps us grow closer to each other, to be able to share these with a trusted friend and have the trust held sacred?
I am not suggesting that there is not much to laugh about with aging, as there really is. But, there is a way and time to use humor and to talk about it. There is a way to encourage openness and honesty about it, to be able to share some of the struggles, and yes, at times, to laugh about it. A sense of humor is essential. Essential. But, I think we need to be careful when it crosses a line, especially to be aware of when it may come at our own expense.
That is where I draw the line more these days. Aging seems to be one of those areas where we can learn more sensitivity. Have we not learned that we don’t say: “You are pretty strong, for a girl,” “You dance well, for a guy,” or “You are good at math, for a girl”?
Maybe it’s time to look more closely at this attitude toward aging. Can you see me without applying that label or putting me in that box? Can we learn to really see each other, really hear each other, and understand each other more deeply and individually?
I hope so. We can learn, share, and love so very much more if we are allowed to be free from all the boxes and labels. No kidding.
(Check out Jo on her Instagram – josaia92020)