By SHARON BLOOM, PH.D., LMF
As seniors, most of us have experienced trauma ourselves and with those we love. There have been many times when we have been disappointed, cynical, angry or vulnerable. Grief is not a stranger to us. Now we are also dealing with the changes that come with aging. This too is not always an easy transition. How do we cope with these life challenges?
We know that loving another and being loved back is what we desire and what makes us feel whole. But it inevitably is risky and involves loss. So, how do we handle the dark times? How do we get back on our feet and once more move forward with hope for the future?
It is about RESILIENCE, an ability that we admire in people. Recently, I was at my friend’s 80th birthday party. I have known him since I was in my early 20s. He lost both of his parents in his 20s. Then, his first-born son who had a genetic disease, died at 3 years old. Later his older brother was accosted in his parking garage by a robber and was in a coma for years before he passed away. Then his niece died of cancer way too soon. After a divorce, he met the love of his life. They married and then, when she was in her forties, she was diagnosed with MS. They have been dealing with her disease for over thirty years. This is not a life for any of us, but my friend has resilience. He has managed a very successful Architectural career, was president of his professional organization, and has spent his life helping his community, offering his expertise, creativity, time and money, repeatedly. He just kept going and going and going and didn’t get stuck in the “why me?” cycle. Is he the better for it? I think so.
There are other parts to his resilience. He has always been grateful for all the positives in his life. He and his first wife adopted two children, a boy and a girl. They now have three beautiful grandchildren. For his 80th birthday celebration, the room was full of love and friendship. He loved and was loved. He was productive and appreciated. He has seen the results of his work. So now, older with diabetes and the usual aches and pains, he is grateful for his brain that still works, laughs at the loss of memory of names and places, and continues to teach a class for students of architecture.
But there is another side. My friend is a “fixer”. When he cannot fix what cannot be fixed, he loses his temper. I never want to be too close when that occurs, when he is really angry with himself. He feels he “should” be able to do something. He’s always sorry later…but if he had taken more time to experiencing his losses, maybe his first reaction to his frustration would be less volatile.
Warning: There is a downside to being resilient too soon. We need time to grieve. Our bodies need to know that we paid attention to our losses and disappointments. We feel this internally. And we also need to able to share our feelings. Mourning involves others. When I lost my husband 3 years ago, I realized I didn’t know many people in Westlake Village, where we had moved together in 2001. I had been a satisfied part of a couple for 29 years. Now what? I had to restructure my life and I needed to be with people who understood what I was going through.
Finding a grief group (Hope Connection) and a volunteer group (Conejo Valley Village), gave me the support I needed to grieve and move forward. It was a way to keep active and meet new friends and they have added value to my life. I see too many people stuck in depression who do not reach out and seek a future. Sharing is part of healing, part of living life.
As for being grateful, it’s not just for the big things, but also the little things we forget to notice. Try this exercise. I did and it works. Go down the alphabet and give one-word answers to what you have in your life for which you are grateful. Ex: A-Art B-Brother C-Chocolate…Got the idea?
Dr. Jo: Thanks for the exercise and what I have learned about myself and grief, (Hope Connection Director and leader of my group).